I bought a milk pan to make milk tea. I usually use a microwave to heat almond milk, but heating it in the pan is safer. I look forward to using this pan every morning. It will enrich my mornings.

My mother came across my 6th-grade teacher. She was very unpopular in my class because she scolded her students everyday. I remember she always said, “You guys are so disappointing and boys are too immature.” The class was very rebellious toward her. As is often the case, I spoke badly about her with my friends. But somehow, she valued me regardless of my defiance. I was not very happy with her evaluation of me at the time since I felt like I was being favored, and she kept pushing me to make more effort in anything she thought I was good at. I didn’t understand why I had to put my effort into things that I am not interested in improving. She might have seen something in me, yet I felt that the expectations placed on me were different from who I really was. However, at this age, I feel a little greatful. Being recognized for my potential feels so much better than being belittled. It must have had positive effect on my life some how. People might say that I would have been a  more capable person if I had done what she said, but who knows? Given that every single event that has happened in my life has brought me to where I am today, maybe I can appreciate my 6th-grade self who didn’t follow what my teacher told me to do too.

 I met my old friend, and we exchanged updates about our lives. When I heard about the area she lives in, I felt that violence exists as an ordinary part of the everyday landscape. The tragedies that seem to happen only in the news felt very close. It is not something that is happening somewhere else, but could occur at any moment in that place. I thought we need knowledge about violence. It is very difficult to see violence  when it is embedded in people’s lives. Knowledge has the power to save people and protect themselves. I deeply hope that people who are fooled into thinking they are nothing find thier way out and rebuild their lives to fulfill their potential. I think I need to learn more.

I smelled the scent of chrysanthemums on the street. This brought back another memory from my childhood. I remember an afternoon I spent in my father’s field.

 The weather was beautiful today. I went to the park in the middle of the city. It is nice to have a green area in such a busy place with business people, shoppers and travelers. I can take a bit of a deep breath and relax. The park is surrounded by tall, boxy, polished buildings. I thought that if I looked only at the top of the trees, I might feel like I was in the woods. I tried, but it was not the same. I failed to feel as if I were in the mountain. I felt that I was in the middle of the city. It was just an experiment. I am likely to get bored with something that designed to attract attention. So, I prefer to look at place where nobody tries to pay attention. I think that is where I can find something interesting.

 Sometimes, there is a moment when I can reach a part of myself where only emotions exist. I remember that it used to echo through my whole body. I was that emotion itself. I have been working to reach that part more easily and quickly.

I used to like playing slow and sad songs on the piano. When I try to dig into myself, the feeling I liked to experience somehow comes back. I realize how much I’ve forgotten.

       

The other day,  a sparrow landed on my car’s windshield when we stopped at a red light. I was excited since it was something that  is unlikely to happened and had happened for the first time. The sparrow looked like it was having fun exploring. I want to talk with  other living creatures. 

Cats understand people’s words. I am convinced of this through my experience. I live with a female cat. Every night, she comes to my bed to warm herself. Whenever I do my extra work on my bed before sleeping, she taps me to let me know she wants to go to sleep. She doesn’t stop, so I tell her, “I have extra work to do. I’ll finish soon, so can you wait?” Then she stops tapping me. There are many moments like this. The problem is I am not good enough at understanding her meowing. I try to learn her language.  

I’ve been listening to a woman’s biography. Despite her painful story, she somehow warms my heart. She must have been a very strong woman.

 I went potato digging. When I stood in the field and felt the afternoon air, I remembered spending a lot of time outside as a child. The air was cold, and there was the smells of dried leaves. The soil was dry because it hasn’t rained for a while. It smelled a bit dusty but I could also feel some humidity in the air. It was nostalgic feeling.

What I want is so simple. I want to know the world through my own senses. 

There are a lot of sad stories in this world. Whenever I hear stories about the hopes of bright young girls being taken away, I feel so sad. 

I have always liked reading women’s biographies. I’ve always been drawn to the stories about women. 

The winter sky is exceptionally beautiful since the air is clear. The crescent moon looks beautiful as it shines.

 

Fighting is exhausting. But if the fighting eventually brings understanding, it makes sense to me. I didn’t expected to have a big argument today. Life is unexpected. I feel depleted, but I guess we’ve settled things.

 Winter has arrived! It’s the best season for hot tea. Hot tea gives me happiness so easily. Drinking hot tea in the cold weather is the best. For this reason, I like thermos bottles. It’s my hobby to look for the bottles.

I met a lady who told me about an empty rack in the bike parking area which was filled with bikes. It was busy parking lot,

so if I hesitated even a moment, someone could take the spot. I don’t know why she was kind to me. It might have been a small favor for her, but its impact was bigger for me. Kindness from strangers sometimes saves my day.

I was using my past feelings as a marker to evaluate my emotions, but these days I need to know how I feel at this age. I am growing older and gaining more experiences, which must have made me different from the past. I’m still myself at the core, but must not be the same. I want to know well how I feel now.

Leaves are turning such beautiful colors. Why do they become so colorful and attractive? Do they try to attract something? Or are we built-in tendency to find them attractive? Which is it? Or maybe neither?

 

I heard a song about a man who supposedly loves a woman passionately in the dollar shop. It was the music playing in the store. He sang that he could do anything for her. But his voice was so cold and flat. He didn’t sound interested in her at all. Perhaps he doesn’t love anyone like that. He even sounded as if he despised something. It was chilling. I wouldn’t trust a man whose voice sounded like that, even if he was saying something nice. I have no idea who the man is at all. This is just my impression from listening to the song.  

I started eating beans again, which I  had once given up. The longer I go without eating beans, the more distant they seem. The other day, I ate beans. I felt very good. I decided not to give up something I like and that is good for me just because kids don’t eat them.

 

It was such a beautiful day. There were a lot of fallen leaves on the roads. I couldn’t stop feeling excited.I completely understood how the boy who was playing in the leaves near me was feeling. When you become an adult, fallen leaves on the roads become something that needs to be cleaned up. I like clean roads, but it is sad if they are too clean. There is nothing joyful about them.

When I was watching YouTube videos in which female comedians were cooking chicken, I remembered a feeling. I felt as if I were tasting it and I knew it was good. I wanted some.

I was watching the laundry net was fluttering the wind. I was watching evening glow. I just couldn’t stop feeling the moment was beautiful.

It used to be so easy, almost automatic to feel something. The emotion came from my whole body, and it was inexplicable. This is myself. This is myself, but how? How could I forget about myself, even though it was still within me? 

I learned that it is more fragile than what I had thought.

I like the balcony because I can feel the outside without leaving the house

 Several days ago, I happened to take a two-hour nap in the afternoon. When I woke up, I felt like I needed to restart my unfinished sculpture. I did.

I went out to do my chores.I smelled the beginning of winter and heard dried leaves rolling in the wind.

 

I am making some effort to get my energy back because I have felt drained for such a long time. I’m not sure if this effort has made any difference, but today I feel as energetic as I did when I was younger, especially my brain. I feel it lit up and warmed. Energy is required to do everything. This past month, my stomach has been demanding that I eat more. Now, I see the reason. I was taking in source of energy. Again, my mother was right. She always told me to eat more and said I couldn’t accomplish anything without eating food. Food had life before I ate. My life is supported by the other lives. 

Yesterday morning, I found out that my bicycle tires had worn out. They could have break at any time, so I decided to change them. I had to wait for one hour while my bicycle tires were being changed, so I took a walk around the bicycle shop. There was a place packed with tall buildings that seemed to be residential buildings. The two-story daycare center is surrounded by ginant buildings and surviving strongly. If I lived here, I could harm my health. I learned what I wanted through what I don’t like.

My favorite household chore is taking in laundry because I like to watch the evening sky and smell the air. It is the most favorite hour of the day.

A Cranky Morning

The mint I’m growing has bloomed, and now bees come to visit. Bees find flowers and come to collect nectar, even in a place like a balcony of an apartment in the city. How did they know there are flowers blooming here? I am very happy to know them still around us. I’m glad that something I do for myself ends up making food for the bees. 

I was irritated this morning. I felt that it was difficult to concentrate or have fun. I didn’t know what to do on a morning in this mood, so I went walking, hoping for something to change. It’s a path I’ve taken many times, yet I come across something new and interesting, which refreshes me and recharges my energy. I remembered what my mother said to me  when I was crying after a breakup. She said Swimmy healed his sadness by exploring different places. I thought there was some truth in it. 

It’s almost time to make dinner, but today, I just want to be like I was as child, ignoring family duties and focusing entirely on myself.

But I made a decent dinner eventually. Somehow, I didn’t feel drained, empty, or stifled.

 

Go slowly to go fast

 

When I look back on my childhood, I was a slow person. Slow like a sloth. My mother always rushed me, but I barely listened to her.  I was totally dependent on my mother and never imagined I had to be capable of doing many things to become independent in the future. I never had a problem with the slowness until I had my children. Childbearing has no break. Tasks are flooding in constantly. My slowness was a huge disadvantage.

　On the other day, I went for a walk. I tried walking slowly, at the pace my curiosity took in the world. It’s been a while since I walked this way. I felt like I was absorbing nutrients and coming back to life, making connections with the world. I want to live in the wild. I suppose all living things naturally have the ability to hear the voice of the world to some extent. We human have been losing it.

　I found moving slowly was the fastest to make connections with the world for me. I might be a real sloth or maybe a plant? I want to be a hunter when I needed though. Could I be a hunter? I don’t know yet. I hope I will be.

 

I woke up early today. It is cloudy and chilly. Winds are nice and cool.It feels great to ride a bike and feel the changing of seasons. It’s been a long time since I last felt the joy of riding a bike. It is so easy to forget my feelings and even find myself holding my breath. I need to remind myself to breathe from time to time.

I walked down the street I had wanted to explore the other day. Since it was rush hour, the street was filled with office workers and students. When I turned onto a side street, I found a  residential neighborhood just about ten houses quietly nestled between tall buildings. There was a sense of mismatch. I couldn’t help but wonder if more people used to live here, and maybe this was the last trace of a neighbohood. I stumbled upon an old apartment with iron pinecones decorating its fence. The shop that sold coffee beans smelled really good. The smell made me feel cozy though I don’t drink coffee. On my way home, I noticed all sorts of smells. Like the scent of roasting tea and the sweet fragrance of fragrant olive blossoms. There was also the smell of charcoal in the air. The smoky aroma of burning charcoal reminded me of camping in the forest. The air felt damp and refreshing today, and the sent was heavy.

 My everyday life is about taking care of my family.

I once repressed my emotions. I buried myself very deep. It was so deep that I could never see myself again. I was just a happy person in everyone’s eyes, even in the eyes of those closest to me. But, I was suffering from losing  the light to see the world without me realizing it. Seeing the world and finding its beauty was my joy. Losing the sight was painful. I wasn’t happy at all. I let go of the only thing I truly wanted. I love my children, and perhaps I felt I needed to protect their lives at the cost of my own. But this is not a beautiful story of a mother who sacrifice herself for the love of her children. This is a story of failure. I should have looked for a way to survive with my children. I lived in hell and visited many places with Joanna. We smelled them and talked about them.

Recently, I’ve  started to see the light again. I’ve waited for so long to see the world, to see the things once more. It is pure joy and liberation. I can sometimes hear breathing of what I buried.I’m glad that I can finally begin to rebuild my connection with the world.

Thank God! This is just a beginning of my journey. I don’t want to go back to hell though I could say I relatively enjoyed the time I spent there. But no returning please. I will desperately hold on to the strength to love this world forever. Yesterday, I thought I needed to sing and to have my private space. I will sing a song, I will  make anything I want and spread it to the world whether people like it or not. Be ready for it, world!!