My child is on autumn break. It’s only a week long, but it still makes me sigh. I feel like I’ve devoted a huge amount of time to raising my kids though I am not the type of person who finds joy in giving of myself to others. I had to give up so much. If I have to give up even more for them, I’m afraid I will lose myself again. I was a stranger to myself for a long time and I’m now finding a way back to who I am. I really need a solid block of time to pull myself together and hold on to it. I struggled to pretend I was home alone, but I failed. I couldn’t help being distracted. I decided to break my routine and have my own space. Today, I came to a cafe far enough away that I wouldn’t run into anyone I know. It’s working. I feel better. Writing this in the cafe and watching people walking and having lunch from the window brings back my sense of self.  I need trial and error to find and build a way as myself to exist within my family.

 

Today, I found that starting the day early is beneficial. 

My tennis lessons started last Friday. Initially, I took an intermediate class from 9 am because I thought I couldn’t manage to get to the beginner class at 8 in the morning. However, people who were taking the intermediate class were mostly very experienced, whereas I had almost no experience in playing tennis. I understood why skill-based classes exist in the first place. My coach asked me to move down to the beginner class after the lesson. Because I myself already knew that it wasn’t a good idea to keep coming to the intermediate class, I accepted the offer. Today was the first day of beginner class. I managed to get to the class by 8 a.m. I felt better in the lesson. I thought I could survive in this class. When I walked back home, it was only 9:30. I did some chores, read a book, and took a nap. And yet, it was still before noon. I ended up earning myself three extra hours today. I came across a post saying that my favorite bakery was baking carrot cake today. I can go! Fansastic! And I went by train. The frosting made the carrot cake very sweet but it had a moist, dense crumb that gave a satisfying bite. I bought six different kinds of cake. My favorite was the baked cheesecake. It was rich and heavy, and not so sweet, so I could taste cheese flavor. The carrot cake got a little crushed while I was carrying it home.

 

I was thrilled when we stumbled upon a tofu pudding shop that I had wanted to go to while exploring the area. Since the shop was full and the weather was beautiful, we decided to order takeout. What made me even happier was that a shop I followed on Instagram was a few minutes’ walk away. I was full after lunch, but it didn’t matter. My desire outweighed my stomach capacity. I ordered a chocolate cake with a chestnut on top. 

On the grass in the park near the shops, we had the desserts. The texture of the tofu pudding was more like mizu-yokan than silken tofu. It was very light, but the tofu flavor came through at the very end. The syrup was not too sweet, and all the toppings were super healthy and tasty. Unexpectedly, my stomach felt refreshed, so I decided to eat the cake I was going to save for later. The cake itself was very rich chocolate cake, and the cream covering it was very light. The chestnut was so big that I almost felt like I was eating another dessert. I enjoyed the chestnut. 

 

It is rainy. I woke up feeling something wet on my knee. My old cat had pooped on my bed, which was the beginning of a delightful day. She still has the ability to poop. I am reassured. 

Watching plants on the porch is my daily routine. I like soil that talks a lot. Buds are easily washed away because they don’t have enough roots to support their bodies. Everything is different, but everything seems to have so much similarities. Plants need roots to support their bodies.

I met a woman who was a professional baker in Portland, Oregon. She used to have her own shop in Portland, but she closed it and move to Japan due to her husband’s job. Though she works at a restaurant as a pastry chef now, all she makes is frozen food. Since she likes to bake from scratch, and new recipes come one after another to her mind, she has started  baking and sold them in a rental space once a month. She also said she wants to maintain her baking skills. I tried everything she was selling. They tasted absolutely American. Because we sat at the counter, we had a chance to talk with her, and she let us try a scone with gravy source. She told us that it was farmer food. It is easy, cheap and filling. I felt very strongly the presence of people working in American fields, which stimulate my curiosity. I imagined people who work and live differently in a different places somewhere on this earth. She gave us a free cookie and said “See you later” instead of bye when we left, which warmed my heart.

 

Learning other languages is very interesting. To learn a language, I have to understand how people who speak the language comprehend the world. I am sometimes surprised at how much information a single simple sentence has. I also know that language can fix how one sees the world. There is a common point of view that is shared among people who speak the same language. In some way, I can say that language can confine our thoughts because it hampers us from seeing millions of other points of view that could exist in the world. I was thinking about it more, but I couldn’t clarify my thinking enough to put it into words. I will keep woking about it.

I planted seeds of edible flower and beets in my planters. The seeds sprouted. And rice has also headed.